I currently inhabit a rather bizarre world. I am defined by so many different and conflicting descriptions and labels.

Am I a guy who thinks he is a girl?

Am I a girl disguised as a guy?

Am I a woman trapped inside a man’s body?

Am I mentally unhinged because I think I am female and should be treated by a mental health professional?

Am I suffering from a birth defect and a condition that has a medical remedy?

Am I a husband and father?

Am I a cisgender male or a transgender woman?

Am I a sexual deviate…

And how it compares to a two-year-old wish list


Earlier in my transgender writing journey I posted an article called: My Transgender Sweet Sixteen List. I wrote it to fill my emotional glass back up to half way. I was in a very dark period. I wrote a general list of the positive experiences of being transgender. Last night, sadly, I felt like I was looking at an empty emotional glass. I felt deep sadness. I wrote a long piece about it but I have chosen to not share it here. Who needs to be depressed further with someone else’s pain? …

Meeting with the gender parole board


In Shawshank Redemption, my favorite movie of all time, there is a scene where Red shares with Andy his sense of his own reality in prison. He says he’s been in prison so long that he’s “institutionalized” and incapable of conceiving of life outside the walls of the prison. It actually scares him.

According to Wikipedia, “Institutionalization or institutional syndrome refers to deficits or disabilities in social and life skills, which develop after a person has spent a long period living in mental hospitals, prisons, or other remote institutions.”

The only reason Red left the prison was, essentially, he was…

As a gender refugee leaving a life raft


In response to the Prism & Pen prompt, here is my Pride story:

Two years ago during Gay Pride Month in New York City, which happened to be the 50th anniversary of the 1969 Stonewall Riots, I stepped into the Stonewall Inn for the first time. I had so many thoughts and sensations. I had stepped out of 63 years of cisgender experience and I felt like an immigrant leaving a life raft into a new world.

I was a gender refugee.

Earlier that year I had finally, grudgingly, accepted that I was transgender. It was a titanic task. After…

Nails on the chalkboard of my soul

Toilet of a Roman Lady, Simeon Solomon 1869, Delaware Art Museum

“My Husband Wants to Be a Woman.” We have read and heard this endlessly in the media. It makes a great headline for media desperate to exploit the circus created, currently, around being transgender.

I don’t know about you but I can’t adequately convey to you how much I despise that phrase. It literally causes pain to hear. It feels like nails on the chalkboard of my soul. My entire being winces at the sound of each word. It conveys ignorance. It conveys judgment. It conveys condemnation. It conveys rejection.

“My Husband Wants to Be a Woman,” says to the…

Pick your gender peak.

As I came to grips with the shocking discovery that I was transgender at 62 years of age, in panic, I sought out every piece of information I could to understand and cure my gender dysphoria.

There was no way I was going to transition.

Even now I marvel at how ignorant and naïve I was to think that. I had a lot learn. In the internet part of my discovery process, I was shocked to find out that I was not alone. I truly thought I was. Although not as prevalent and visual in society as the gay and…

How the Pandemic informs the transgender experience

You have experienced the isolation that a pandemic can create. It happened on a world-wide scale. Unless you are a hermit, once the uniqueness of the experience wore off, for most of us, it became grinding and lonely. It is amazing how much we took the company of strangers in our daily lives for granted.

We need social contact; we seek human contact and we sometimes even crave any human contact. It is part of social fabric of our humanity.

Isolation manifests in so many different ways. …

Success is the real story

Some state legislators miss the good old days.

Last Sunday I watched a report on 60 Minutes that seemed to discuss the issues raised by the states that are legally restricting gender dysphoria treatment in children under 18 years of age with emphasis on the ban of treatment for transgender youth in Arkansas.

The report seemed to be attempting a fair presentation until it took, what I thought was a right turn. They focused on interviews of children who regretted transitioning and who de-transitioned. Without question, that does tragically occur but 60 Minutes spent no time interviewing the children for which the treatment did work.

I felt that…

Welcome to the world of gender dysphoria!

We all have a night like this. Some have it every night.

Imagine every night you are awoken with acid indigestion and you can’t get to sleep. What if it was a back pain or leg cramps or a headache or a back itch that you can’t reach and it happened every night?

You try everything in your medicine cabinet the first night and nothing works. Out of exhaustion you fall asleep.

You know that we have had nights like that.

But what if that happened again the next night. You eventually fall asleep, but in the morning you know that you had another lousy night’s sleep and then another. Off you…

Ugly People Do Ugly Things

At 65 years of age I have ducked most of the world of Instagram, Twitter and Facebook by simply not participating. After posting here and on a transgender help site the ugly people have finally caught up to me. Someone chose to make a complaint to try and either annoy me or shut me down here on Medium.

How stupid.

Fortunately, I was able to resolve the minor issue.

I have been physically and professionally attacked so I know what ugly people look like. They look the same on the internet. …

Emma Holiday

After decades of denial I finally answered the question “What’s wrong with me?” The answer is “Nothing”. I am transgender and I am OK.

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