Hitting My Wall of Transgender Truth at 65 Miles an Hour

I have been fighting an endless battle trying desperately to not physically transition. It is a battle I am losing a little bit every day. On another transgender support site, yesterday, someone described me and my situation to her wife:

“I wish you could see what I see here; a smart beautiful trans woman who is trying to reconcile her love for her wife with the need to be the woman she so clearly is.”

It ignited in inside me a series of explosions…again. I always react when I am told I am pretty or beautiful. I reacted even more this time to “the woman she so clearly is”. That statement felt like getting hit with an emotional baseball bat. Was my violent reaction and rejection another counter-attack by my lifetime of male socialization and am I just kidding myself that I am actually a woman?

I know, I know… I am transgender and I realize I am a woman with withdrawal issues but why do those compliments still cause me to react? Honestly, I do feel flattered but I have never been good with compliments to begin with but obviously ones that are clearly recognizing my feminine attributes seem to rock me more.

Maybe I am still exorcizing my transphobia and that won’t end until I finally come out and live as Emma full time. I will continue to doubt as I see a guy in the mirror every morning and I interact with the world as a guy. I have spent way too much time in character.