The Pain (Updated)

Being transgender defines it’s own loneliness.

The pain of being transgender is almost indescribable.

The loneliness, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the fear of discovery, the absolute human anguish, all trapped inside your head… and no one in your life has a clue.

It gets compounded by the lack of sympathy, compassion, understanding and comfort from others, the fear of anyone knowing, the fear of being seen as a freak, the fear of rejection.

What is wrong with you? Where did this come from? Why now?

Suddenly, late in your life this alien female identity suddenly explodes into your life. It creates a deep emotional pain that is inexplicable to you and to others, that you now live with every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, minute by painful minute.

Your wall of denial has come crashing down.

You started that wall when you were very young, around 5 years old. You had no clue you even started it.

You felt the natural you and you tried to simply live it but you were told it was wrong and you were regularly corrected. You were told by everyone what was a boy and what was a girl. Everyone and everything around you told you what you should be.

You learned that your feelings and sense of self were wrong. You learned to hide those feelings, those thoughts. They were bad. As a child what did you know? Mom, Dad, the older kids, they all knew better. You learned from them.

You just knew that you didn’t want to be bad. You didn’t want to be rejected by those you loved or the friends you had.

You had no way to explain what you felt. There were no words you learned in school or at home to help you with your internal puzzle. You were a boy, no emotions allowed. Just suck it up and move on.

You shoved those feelings into a corner somewhere in your head and you began to build your wall of denial.

Everyone around you drove you to improve your skill in hiding. They were not allowed to know your secret because you learned quickly that they hated what you were hiding.

They were the “enemy”. They proved it time and time again. They were your parents, friends, family, spouses and children…